Conversation With Self
Myself and I had a conversation:
“I want to run away,” I said to Myself.
“Really?” asked Myself to me. “Where do you want to go?”
I answered, “Somewhere. Anywhere. Just as long as it’s far, far away.”
Myself asked, “Why?”
I answered, “Because I’m tired. Physically and mentally. I’m drained.
I want a break from everything. I’m sick of fighting for Suzy to get better. I’m exhausted from worrying about her. I’m tired of therapy and treatments. I’m tired of working my a$$ off. I’m tired of ……suzy.”
Myself said, “That’s a terrible thing to say.”
I said, “I know, and I’m not proud. But sometimes that’s how I feel.”
Myself said, “Well….. you’re entitled to your feelings.”
I said, “I just don’t understand. I thought that if you want something really badly, and you worked very hard, and you were committed and patient, and ‘never gave up’, and ‘stuck with it’, and prayed faithfully to the almighty God..… I thought that you would eventually get it. I thought that was how life was supposed to work. I believed in that theory. I really wanted Suzy to recover, and I have killed myself trying. So - how come it’s not coming true?”
“But she HAS gotten better. She is so much better than when she first woke up from the coma,” Myself said.
“Yes, I agree. But when I look at her I can’t help but see that she is 3 years old; but she has the mind and motor skills of a 6 month old.”
Myself said, “True, but upon waking 2 years ago she was a 0 month old. So, in 2 years she has grown and developed 6 months! That’s a wonderful achievement!”
“Sure, it’s a great achievement for a brain injured child. But, it totally sucks in the real world. She still can’t DO anything! She’s bored and she’s frustrated. She’s cognitive enough to KNOW that she can’t do anything. We’ve tried so many therapies and interventions, and nothing seems to make any significant improvements. Is she not capable of getting much better? Is her brain so damaged that this is the way she will live the rest of her life? Some things have helped a little bit. But I want MORE! I want her future to be rich with possibilities. I want her to be able to entertain herself. I don’t want to entertain her forever. Couldn’t she at LEAST learn to COLOR, for God’s sake?
Myself said, “You sound like you’re not happy with Suzy.”
And I answered, “I am SO happy with her. I wouldn’t trade Suzy for THE WORLD!! I love her more than life itself. But, I would trade in every one of her disabilities.
I am angry at what her brain has done to her. I am angry that her body doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to. I look into her eyes, and I feel that she is hurting. She wants MORE from her brain and her body. She wants me to help her………I am trying so hard......but I just haven’t been able to fix her…..My heart brakes for her and I am disappointed in myself. Mommy is supposed to kiss the boo-boo and make everything ‘all better.’ But this boo-boo is beyond me. I can kiss her, and love her, and keep her healthy and happy. But I am starting to realize that I will NEVER be able to make her 'all better.' And this makes me very sad.
Thank you, to my friend Denise, for sharing this poem with me. It makes my heart smile.
